Have Your Kid's Back Once in a While

When kids misbehave, sometimes correction isn't always the best course of action. It certainly wasn't on this outing to the park with my 7 year old son.

My dad once told me a story about my grandfather, whom I'd never met. He said when he was a teen, my dad had been sent to the principal's office for getting in a fight with another boy. My grandfather was brought in to discuss my dad's behavior. However, when my grandfather was told of the fight, his response was "Did he win?"

At first, I thought this to be a rather archaic way of parenting, encouraging machismo and the use of violence to solve ones problems. But he went on to say that if my dad had been involved in a fist fight it was because he felt that was the only way out. 

I had always taught my son violence should be reserved for self defense, not to be used in anger or vengeance. That, in essence, was what I think my grandfather was trying to explain to my dad's principal, that he taught him to reserve such action for necessary circumstances.

But there was something else my dad was explaining to me with this story. He said if I ever ended up needing to defend myself, even if it went against the grain of society, he would have my back. My grandfather had no clue why his son had punched a boy, but right away he defended him. That surprised me.

Usually, as parents, we wait to hear a reason or argument as to what happened in a given dispute between our kids and others. We might be embarrassed how it reflects on our parenting if we have to be contacted by our kid's school teacher, coach, or principal.

Yet, here was my grandfather having such faith in his own parenting of his son, and his son's judgement, to say "If my kid punched another kid, there was a reason for it. And I will stand by him." My dad passed on this same trust in me. It gave me an incredible sense of comfort to know he would back me up if I found myself in such a situation where I needed to use violence.

The other day, I passed on that faith to my own son.

Normal Day at the Park

I am definitely guilty of redirecting my son a lot during interactions with other kids and adults. I take pride in his manners, and his conversational tone with family and friends. But with strangers, teaching him wariness has caused him to be unnecessarily rude to people we don't know.

While at the park a couple weeks ago, I was chatting with his dad on a bench, when suddenly, I hear him arguing with the parent of another kid. He growled at her and angrily walked away to hide behind a tree and sulk. The parent made some asinine comment to him as he did so, suggesting she wasn't surprised by his disrespectful behavior.

Now, normally, I would reprimand him. His behavior has been spiraling toward defiance lately, and I was half inclined to reign it in. On this occasion, however, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, and do something I have never done before. I sat near him in the grass and said "Who do you want me to beat up?"

He was so surprised by my reaction, he looked up from his bowed head posture and asked what I meant. "Someone upset you enough to make you remove yourself from the playground, I want to know who and if you want me to beat them up for you."

Maybe this wasn't the best approach. I'm sure there are child psychologists out there who would cringe to read this. But understand, this was what felt right at the time. He needed someone to be on his side, especially since he had come to expect I would lecture him for speaking inappropriately to someone, even if, in his view, he was justified. Right or wrong, he benefited more by me being there for him.

Accepting my comment to mean I'm here to listen without assuming the worst about you, he proceeded to explain what happened. Apparently, this lady believed he was taking more than his share of turns on the hang glider bar (I don't know its actual name) ahead of her son. I asked him outright if he had been. He swore he wasn't trying to, the glider would start going again before he could stop. My son is shorter than the other kid, so I took him at his word. This other mother was doing enough regulating for both of us on the turn line for this contraption. My business was making sure she wasn't unfairly singling him out as a 'bad kid.'

I promised him that I would look out for the woman if she tried to speak to him in that way again, but to remember to take turns, in case I was wrong. More specifically, I said I would intervene, which he then wanted a definition for and an example of what I would do. Of course, I wasn't about to beat her up. That wasn't the kind of model I want to be. I reserve that behavior for more serious matters. ;) I simply said I would stop her if she came at him again. Then I added, "You don't mess with my kid without messing with me."

He returned to play, and sure enough, not five minutes after I sat back on the bench, I noticed she was watching him cautiously, expecting him to make a mistake. My son growled at her kid while they waited in line, prompting her to run toward them. Quickly she realized he was demonstrating his dinosaur roar to the boy, who responded in turn with the conversation he was having. That proved it to me she was seeing him a certain way. She was expecting him to behave rudely and she'd have to save her son from, dare I say, having to fend for himself in his own peer relations.

A few minutes later, her hovering came to a head. She criticized my son for not taking his turn. My son calmly tried to explain to her what he was doing, but her mind was made up. She had taken one look at his long hair and worn clothes and decided she knew all she needed to about what sort of kid he was. Untamed. I had enough. I confronted her. "Do you have a problem with my son?"

She shot a nervous look at me and clammed up. Maybe my combat boots, exceptional beauty, and don't-give-a-shit-what-you-think presence scared her, but she got quiet as a mouse, and oh so polite.

"If you have a problem with my son, you need to confront me, his parent, about it. Don't talk to him like that." I honestly couldn't believe her audacity. She is an authority figure, way bigger than him. But not bigger than me. I happen to be taller than most women.

As humbly as she could, she stated: "I didn't know where his parents were."

"Then ask him, next time." I spat back. "He isn't doing anything wrong. You keep thinking he is. If you have something to say, you know where I am now."

For once, I didn't care about trying to make friends with another parent, I cared about defending my son. That should've been my priority in situations like this a long time ago. I don't know why it wasn't. Something made me remember my grandfather's story that day. And you know what? My son's behavior improved. He saw me stand up for him against an adult he felt treated unjustly by, and he became calm. It connected us. He felt protected in social threats as much as physical ones.

We taught him to look out for himself, and to be respectful, and to not let strangers kidnap him, and to be respectful to strangers, and to not use violence except when he's being threatened. I think some of the messages have confused him. Maybe I'm not consistent in my parenting, though I try to be. Still, I stand by my display. I needed the opportunity to reassure him that even when I lecture him, even though I redirect him, I am on his side. We, as parents, tend to micromanage. Hopefully, we learn to pick our battles with some consistency, and not shy away from letting them fail. But I also hope to teach him that above all else, I will fight for him. Everything I do is me fighting for him. Maybe he'll see it that way some day too.